so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
