she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
