Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize