Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize