Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
