do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
