so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
