my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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