You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
