I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
