i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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