Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
