Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
