i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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