I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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