She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
