One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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