On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
