Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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