Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
