I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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