I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
