why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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