just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
