First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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