He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
