just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
