Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
