Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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