Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
