Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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