I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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