New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
