my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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