I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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