We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
