Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
