i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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