I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
