dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
