A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize