Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
