Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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