I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
