Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
