What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
where are my eyebrows?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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