Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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