im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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