new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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