Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
