Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I smell stomach acid.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
