I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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