I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
