tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
