rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
