then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize