He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
