im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
