he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
