you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
