When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
