There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
