just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
