I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
