it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
