I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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