my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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