Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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